DRIVING IN LAGOS: THE REAL RULES AND TIPS!


On Friday night I jejely went to Ikeja Shopping Mall, crazy things happen to me at that place- I think I should reduce the times I frequent there. I parked and went in to do my shopping, by the time I was ready see the queue to pay for parking at the kiosk, long from here to Kano.

Anyways, so I was trying to pull out but because Lagos drivers are so wicked nobody gave me chance, I was there for like 10 minutes trying, when I noticed these drivers nor get the fear of God, I told my cousin to biko help me come down and beg one driver so that they can just wait for 2 seconds while I pull out, somebody finally greed. 


As I was pulling out I noticed another car trying to "over-take" me, nor be clear eye I use take roll my glass down and insulted the living daylights out of the driver, the man look flabbergasted and he was like “is it not me that slowed down for you?” 
Me: “which smelling slow down?” and you are now trying to overtake as I am reversing, something is wrong with you”...
He looked at me with open eyes and continued, “I am the one that slow down for you, but you are not fast”...
 It then registered in my brain that he was the one my cousin begged to stop, so I turned to him and flung a nasty Thank you jor”  and continued my rant to him, you help me , you kon still confuse me, have I finished reversing? Ehn? Ehn??? The man just shook his head, I didn't know when I burst out laughing. 

I have said it so many times, if trumpet blow while I’m driving on Lagos roads I will not make heaven nitori I go don insult pesin life, their past generation and unborn ones. It’s a bad habit I acquired lately. If you’re new to driving in Lagos let me share with you tips that I believe will honestly help you. I have learned this after 5 months of driving in Lagos:
  • The first thing you have to be aware of is this: every other person driving dey krase, you are the only sane person. Don’t intercept them, don’t try to correct them, just go your own. Your goal is to get from your starting point to your destination SAFELY.
  • If you want to get through to another lane, DO NOT use your pointer to signal  it, immediately the cars behind notice that you’re trying to divert they speed up quickly as if there is a secret plot to keep you from diverting!
  • There is nothing like staying in your lane when it comes to driving, switch lanes as easily as you please do not use your pointers, just enter, and just divert: this is a special skill only few have, I am one of them. Also be alert, people will turn off without signaling, and some will enter your lane unexpectedly.
  • Learn how to insult, this will come handy. People will abuse you, you have to give as good as you get, “oloshi” is too common an insult, learn the ones like “olori buruku agbaya aburo oloshi”…now you’re talking.
  • You have to learn how to use your breaks, you musty know how to stop SUDDENLY! You must also know how to not stop suddenly because a car from behind will hit you and it will be your fault!
  • Use what you have to get what you want, since people will not allow you divert, if you are blessed with good looks just flash a smile and wink at the other driver, the odds will be in your favour if they’ve had a good day.
  • Honk your horn always, in fact change the horn that came with your car and install the ones that trailers and tankers use, then feel free to blast the ear of any body that is in front, beside, behind you. Don’t allow okada riders with their trailer horns to bully you. Be the bully.
  • This tip is most useful at night, turn on your full lights to blind anyone coming from the opposite direction, if you have halogen lamps, ahhh, even better. Kill them!
  • Any car in front of you is too slow, turn on your full lights and honk your horn till the mungo park gets off the way, don’t they know who you are?
  • When there is a traffic jam,  go neck to neck, bumper to bumper, don’t even allow space for breeze to pass between your car and the others, this can delay your journey by a second!
  • The kind of car you drive determines how much power you have on the road, if you’re driving picanto just stay in your lane, expect all dem danfo to disrespect you. My ideal car to drive in Lagos is a TUNDRA!
  • Accelerate at full speed, even in residential areas. Time waits for no one. Your minimum speed should be 80kph
  • If you jam pesin car don’t stop unless there’s traffic and you know the person can race to catch up with you. If the road is free, abeg, ahead ahead!
  • The only time you pay for damages to a car is if you destroy any of the lamps, but if it is a bump or a scratch, just say sorry and move on!
  • Never take road rage personally, when you fight on the road make e end there, once you over take that person, remove it from your mind of not you will die of heart attack. It’s never that serious.
  • You have to up your swerving skills when driving in Lagos, because you will need to swerve from potholes, broken down vehicles, discarded sachet of pure water and people texting and driving at short notice.
  • When over taking, always turn to look at the next person eyeball to eyeball, just because! That is the joy of over taking.
  • Never drag lane with danfo, taxi drivers or keke maruwa, trailers, tankers you will be the sorry one. You have been warned.
  • Lagos driving is not just defense driving, it is attack, surrender and Oluwafolorunsho driving. Be alert! O ti su mi!

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38 comments

  1. hahahaha these tips en! funny but useful **olori buruku agbaya aburo oloshi** #dead!

    ladywannabeblog.blogspot.com

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  2. Lol!!!!!
    Its so true. Chai. Madness is the order of the day on Lagos roads. No apologies. None given none taken. Just make sure you don't get scratched, bullied or insulted.
    Another very popular insult is "eran" or "Oko eran" which I believe means an animal. Lol
    I enjoyed this post a lot. Had me laughing well.

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    Replies
    1. Eran Oko... Your yoruba is getting better oh
      Sisi Yemmie 80 KMPH Haba now

      But your tips are on point

      Delete
    2. Eran Oko .... Your yoruba is getting better oh
      But Sisi Yemmie 80KMPH HABA that is a bit much oh

      Your tips are on point... Ahead Ahead

      Delete
  3. Looooool...Sisi I'm in stitches! Kai all these tips are so true and useful. If person no wan carry HBP for this lagos na to sharp up for road, insult and cuss out all those yeye danfo drivers and not take it personally wen one gets dished with same o. My fav line is to ask them "shey o ti na ki o to gba sha?" (U don price am before u bash am?) Cos I wnt take sorry o. Lagos na wa!

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  4. Loooool...Sisi I'm in stitches here. All these tips are so true and useful. If person no wan carry HBP fo this lagos na to sharp up, know how to insult and cuss out all those silly danfo drivers and not take it personally when one gets dished with same from them. My fav line to ask them "shey o ti na ki o to gba sha?" (U don price am before bashing it?) because I wnt hear sorry o. Lagos na wa!

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  5. Not sure i can ever get LIVER to drive in Lagos. as in Lagos drivers badt gonnnn, na real Oluwafolorunso driving as stated above.

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  6. HAHHAHAHHA.. lol. i hop dose of u who av cars wont tak sisi tips serious? else if u go call person aburo oloshi dem go don land u several slaps if u r nt d type dat can fight.. dnt mind sisi oo most of dis tips r bad dnt try it oo.

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  7. LOL!!!! Sisi you are hilarious! This post has made my day, as someone who has never driven in lagos before I think I will pass lol!

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  8. Your tips are so true. I really miss Lagos driving!

    Pls share your endometriosis stories @ endochallenges.wordpress.com. Let's beat endo together !

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  9. Lol Sisi you want make this person when you dey advise receive upper and lower cut from fellow road users ni?

    I wrote something similar http://nuttyjay.blogspot.com/2013/07/lagos-driving-for-non-lagosians.html

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  10. Lol Sisi Yemi, don't let FRSC catch with this post. One needs to be hardcore in the street of Lagos.

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  11. Lagos driving is not just defense driving, it is attack, surrender and Oluwafolorunsho driving. Be alert! O ti su mi! Hahahhahahahahaha you will not kill someone. Chai after living in that place almost all my life, I moved and everybody dey see me as agbero. Its kill or be killed oh. Its hilarious sisi.
    Suzanneobasi.blogspot.com

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  12. Hilarious and so true , As a Learner driver in Lagos, the streets aint smiling at all !!
    http://pixieinc.blogspot.co.uk/?m=1

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  13. lmaooooo! you gerrit pa!

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  14. I cant stop laugh... I dont envy lagos drivers at all

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  15. I have perfected the art of most of this except for the trafficating but going forward no more TRAFFICATING b4 switching lanes. Lagos driving is one of a kind not for the gentle in spirit.....

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  16. LOL....I will never drive in Lagos.

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  17. Lmaooo. Funny sisi..Don't dull, check out now! Check it out!!http://tasknjob.com/?share=1419

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  18. U are as high as they come....lmao!!! Lovely. ..wat uni did u attend abeg??

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  19. lolzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. lag n mad drivers

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  20. LMAO!!!!! I remembered when my mum used to drop me and my siblings at secondary school and every small thing any driver does is OLOSHI!!! it got to a point that everyone in the car learnt how to say OLOSHI!!! My mom does not care what type of car she is in at all, she will wind down and shout OLOSHI Nie....I used to find it funny. My dad just abuses inEnglish but when my mum is in his car shes like see no1 understands this english your speaking, please abuse in yoruba or speak pidgin.....lool.....I find lagos driving fun thou all the abuses, rants, Impatience from drivers....all fun....but may God keep protecting all Lagos drivers oooo....

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  21. Babe pray U don't meet my kind on the road, because Wu go insult ourselves tired. Through talk sha. Sheers

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  22. Bad driving happens everywhere but mainland driving is on another level. It's such a rough place with lots of uncultured danfo drivers and okada drivers. On the island, it's more of a sane environment as the roads are smooth. U won't believe that my tires hardly go down and I don't even have a spare. I couldn't try that on the mainland cos I have to constantly make sure that I check the pressure every week. U are contantly under pressure while driving on the mainland but you have a sense of relief while on the lekki environs. The difference is really clear!

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  23. LOOOOL!!! Oh my days... This post got me in tears. It's sooo true... no time for "L" sign on Lagos roads, u will roast there. Everyone would just avoid u... front, back, left, right... Anything u do, any move u make... U'll hear "learner oshi, ma fi ti e bami".
    I remember one time when my mum called a Chinese fellow "Eran oko China" on our way to church!!!!! I nearly died of laughter most especially cuz the guy was in his own lane o!! Imagine.
    Na wa!

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  24. @Sisiyemmie you are very on point especially with not trafficating when you want to change lane. LOL.

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  25. Lmao!
    True true! All part of the madness that make up Lag...

    http://imperfectlyperfect92.wordpress.com

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  26. I laugh so tey i start to dey cry! I miss Lagos driving oh! I scratched my new car 2 weeks on road!! Anytime I come home liver no gree me drive! My liver don cut finish! Welldone SisiYemmie! On point!

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  27. When u're in advanced Country like U.S u'll initially find driving by the rule very difficult, bcos what we drive in Naija Lagos PH & Abj is totally called 'lawless or free style drivin' where every driver is a psycho expecting anything at any time on wheels. When ppl drive here they believe u have passed d driving test b4 getting behind the wheel and everybody drive on their lanes in a straight line at a stipulated constant speed 25-30-35-45-55 or 65mile/hr depending on the street, road or interstate highway as if all the moving cars are on stand still, perhaps if u want to change lanes, as soon as u turn ur signal the next car is already slowing down for u to move in. Also some vehicles never used their horn till it'ld b sold out bcos u're not allowed to honk or put up ur full headlight on the street for any reasons for some might pass out on the high sound of the honk noise or get blinded by ur full light. U are allowed to slightly tap on it to alert a driver that has forgotten to move on green signal at a traffic jxn, and that is after quietly waiting for him to go but didn't. U'll finally realize driving is easier abroad but Difficult to drive in Naija where life lost due to car crash accident is normal!

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  28. Lmao @ the kinda car you drive determines how much power you have on the road... so true!

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  29. you killed me at "Honk your horn always, in fact change the horn that came with your car and install the ones that trailers and tankers use, then feel free to blast the ear of any body that is in front, beside, behind you. Don’t allow okada riders with their trailer horns to bully you. Be the bully"...lmaoooooo

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  30. you killed me at "Honk your horn always, in fact change the horn that came with your car and install the ones that trailers and tankers use, then feel free to blast the ear of any body that is in front, beside, behind you. Don’t allow okada riders with their trailer horns to bully you. Be the bully" lmaoooooooo

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  31. LWKMDFH oh!!! You yabbed the guy who stopped for you???

    Rotfl. Don't even know what to say. I'm just weak!!!


    PS - #StupidFact Some of us enjoy driving in Lagos and think Danfos are a lot easier to handle than most 'private' peeps!



    !.!.!

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  32. Omg, I am in tears from laughing. Even woke my husband in the process lol. So funny!!! With love from Canada

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  33. Hahaha! Sisi Y, you're so on point with these your tips. Lagos drivers, take note.

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  34. Hahaha Sisi you're so correct. I've experienced all and even do most like you stated. You need to have mind to drive in lagos oh. Nice one and well said, thanks Sisiyemi. Xxx Bella N

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Your comments are like delicious grains of jollof rice to me: please feed me! Send me love mail sisi@sisiyemmie.com / Official business@sisiyemmie.com

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