"Dear Sisi Yemmie. 
Congrats on your wedding to your love Bobo. Your pictures were so lovely. 
I'm not sure if you do this whole advice thing but here it is I have been dating my boyfriend officially for 4 months now, although we have been friends since November last year. We both planned on being just friends , the reason being that he is to leave to the US for his masters this month and we didn't want to start something we couldn't finish. Some how we grew really fond of each other and he asked me to be his girlfriend in April. Now he is about to leave for school in a few days time and I want to know where we stand once he goes because he could be away for at least a year and a half or more depending on how things go.  
He's personality isn't the emotional mushy mushy type, he doesn't say his "I love you and I miss you "s a lot. He is more of the "fix it, let me do something macho to let you know I care about you" kinda guy. He is quite the workaholic and we already live in different towns,we only get to spend time together once or twice a month Because of both our work schedules but I know being in different countries and different time zones will be tougher because we can't afford to visit each other. At least not more than once a year.  
1. How do I bring up the topic of our expectations / goals for this relationship without seeming like I'm putting him on the hot seat, or even seeming insecure. How did you and Bobo handle / overcome this? 
2. What can we do to bond and grow our relationship over this period?
3. Am I expecting too much inform of commitment since we have only been dating a few months? 
I really like him a lot and I believe he feels the same, I'm not in a hurry to get married. But I don't want to be strung along with something I'm not sure about and get hurt in the process. 
Please Help me Sisi Yemmie. 
P.s u can advice me straight by mail or post on your blog.Thanks dear. He is leaving on Sunday. I believe we need yo have the talk soon
I'm 28 and he is 31 this year."

Hey C!

How are you doing?

Thank you for the well wishes!

I'm not an expert but I will try to give you my opinion...

You mentioned that you started off as friends, which is good, and I hope that means you can easily talk to him. I understand that he's not Mr. Romantic but my dear, some issues need to be discussed. You did say he asked you to be his girl friend in April, meaning he knew what he was getting into when he asked you out. It was official in April then.

That was a sign of commitment in my opinion and that's what gives you the right to ask where the relationship is heading to: Are you on a "Lets See How It Goes? Or are you all in? You need to know that. Don't beat about the bush but also approach him when your're both relaxed and just say it in passing, casually. 

If you ask, the worst that can happen is he says he doesn't think he can continue which is not bad considering the other option of waiting till he leaves, 8 months down the line and he says he never fully committed. He should be able to define what the relationship is going to be. Decide how the relationship is going to be preserved, how often you'd try and keep in touch, etc. 

You asked:
1. How do I bring up the topic of our expectations / goals for this relationship without seeming like I'm putting him on the hot seat, or even seeming insecure. How did you and Bobo handle / overcome this? 
Like I said earlier, be casual about it and hopefully you're open to each other in your relationship. Just ask him when you're face to face (so you can read his body language as well)...For Bobo and I we had the conversation but it was very casual, it was more like " when I leave, you'd have to find a way to visit or I might find a way, whoever it's easier for"...we carried on like, oh, it was the next step. It wasn't about if the relationship had to end because of distance ( even though we fought about this after he moved)

2. What can we do to bond and grow our relationship over this period?
Communication is the key, open the channels of communication. You should never be too busy in a day that you cannot call each other (especially now that there's skype, bbm calls etc). Be open about where you are, your activities, your friends, that way you'd feel more involved in each others lives. Buy presents and have them delivered (thank God for online shopping). Also do your best to plan your visits. Bobo and I would turn on skype on our computers ( as long as we are home) and just let the video roll, whether we are talking or not. I can see him moving about his space and he can see me doing my dissertation or something...(this helped us a lot)

3. Am I expecting too much inform of commitment since we have only been dating a few months?
You're not asking him to marry you, what your conversation with him is going to be about is if he's totally in a relationship with you when he travels. You're not expecting too much. With some couples they ease into an LDR, with others it has to be defined. As the relationship progresses, there should at least be an end goal, don't be caught in an indefinite long term/ long distance relationship. 

PS.Express the need for sincerity if you both decide to go into an LDR, because it happens sometimes that one person meets a new person and moves on without telling the other. Could be you or him. Not everyone is prepared to deal with the strains a Long Distance Relationship brings. LDR's are based on promises (90%)...and requires patience. You both need to be ready for it.

I hope this helps and I wish you the best!

Sisi Yemmie

PS: Y'all can leave your comments as well. I look forward to reading what you have to say to C!


  1. I think you should break up and just be friends. Still keep in touch and have an open mind. If he comes back and it works out, fine. If it doesn't, fine. 2 years is a long time to wait if you're not sure where you stand with someone and 4 months isn't enough time to decide whether your relationship can whether the storms that come with a long distance relationship.
    Guys are quite fickle and indecisive so sometimes it's better for the girl to make the decision and be brave about it. - My Personal Opinion.

    1. i totally agree. its easier to deal with the distance as friends that way you dont feel hurt whenhe does not meet certain expectation or keep in touch

    2. Break up? Why naaa? No one knows the future. It has worked for many others, and it can work for them too. Why should they break up without giving it a try first? Humans are not the custodian of the future, so we don't know where this is going to lead.

      Please, don't break up without giving it a try. It takes both of you to make it work.

    3. I wouldn't be quick to advice a break up.I am one of the (probably few) LDR success stories. Dated for 6 years and we saw each other only 2ice (each 3 weeks holiday) during this period. Today we are happily married. HOWEVER, when people ask me if I will advice them to go into an LDR, I reply "LDR is not for everybody especially not for the fainthearted". I could write a book (volume 1-100) on LDR based on my experiences and still not cover it all. One fundamental mistake that people make is to treat LDRs like a normal relationship. LDR is not your regular relationship. It requires more time and effort. It requires sacrifices and giving up on a lot of things. For example, while you can have an issue with your partner and choose to do shakara for a few days, with LDR, it's tougher. You mostly have to settle issues on the spot. Also, time difference is such a bitch! Sacrifices need to be person being awake at odd hours to make the call (regardless of whether you're tired or not). It may feel one sided with one person doing all of the work especially in your situation where you mentioned he is not quite expressive. Are you ok with not hearing sweet reassuring words every now and then? What if you're the one doing all of the calling? And studying abroad can be quite demanding. Will you understand this? It wasn't until I went abroad for my studies that I understood my partner's perspective of being always busy. WIth LDR, there will be lonely days (and maybe nights) you will see lovers walk down the street holding hands, you will see a couple at the restaurant staring lovingly into each other's eyes. You will feel jealous, you will maybe even hate them for their happiness, you will ask yourself "why did I choose to do this?". BUT, when you have found the right man, you know any sacrifice is worth the wait. For me, it meant losing my social life because I easily become attached to people hence I never went out with or became "just friends" with the opposite sex.
      Ask yourself and be sincere: "Am I willing to make these sacrifices?". Think deep about it. Give it a trial period and see if it's werking for you two. However, don't be too quick to call it quits at the first instant of trouble. God help you two.

      P.S: Sisi Yemmie, I totally relate with that skyping ish oh. There were times when we will be chatting and it's bed time for one of us but we will leave skype/ yahoo messenger running just to watch the other sleep. ha ha...thank God those days are over. Some people thought it was so stupid. Ko ye won mehn.

    4. i've never hear.d truer words. God bless you for this

    5. Oh! well written stuff. thank you!

  2. Raise all of your concerns with him before he leaves , his response will guide your decision making process . In all , always hope for the best.

  3. I definitely agree you guys need to have a sit down and define the relationship a lot better, and yes face to face. If you can't discuss this openly amongst yourselves before he leaves then its going to be near impossible after that. And you both need to be honest about it. I think that would determine a lot of things - whether to take the relationship further or to end it due to the distance.

    Not everyone is cut out for long distance relationships so you both have to find out if you're willing to try or not because it will take both parties to make it work...

  4. dear u re 28yrs already, to b honest tyme is no longer on ur side. Can u b bold enof n straighten tins wit hm infact b blunt n ask hm wat re d expectations in ds rlationship, he wont kill u dear; i wish u d best. Nonye

  5. I am currently in a LDR for close to 3 years now and I must tell you that it's not easy except both of you are ready to make the sacrifice that come with a LDR. just like the blogger said, communication is the key, me and dh talk and talk about any dame thing u could think of from funny, family, sex, dirty talk etc...and most time we run out of what to say .....when u have a future plan together you will discover that the wait is worth it.

  6. I was in the a LDR for over 5 years and trust me it's not an easy thing to do, we are married now Thank God. I was in the same situation as you, I had just met him going to 3months when he dropped the bombshell that he was traveling for his masters, he asked me to be his girlfriend and try to wait for him. I did not see him for another 18months after he left. We only saw each other for 3weeks which was once a year, it is emotionally draining to be dating someone and not be able to see the person for that long. I have a read the comments above my advice is you should discuss your concerns with him and listen to what he has to say, then you will know if you can do the LDR. It's going to require both your dedication and God to make the relationship work if you both feel the same way about each other. It requires Trust and Communication like Sisi Yemmie said Thank God for Skype and BBM, they were my best-friends those days. Give it a go and see if it works for you.

  7. Hmmmmmmn i was in a distance relationship for 4 years and my didnt end well at all. Even after all the promises he made, just last year he broke up over a flimsy excuse and i later got to know he met another lady in the UK thats why he opted out. Nowadays its really very hard for men to overcome the temptation of "blue passport" or "Red passport". Most men end up marrying a british lady just to have a stay over there, whereas they keep stringing you along making you believe all is well. but when he's ready to have his papers he will drop the bomb shell and get married to someonelse over there. It takes the FEAR OF GOD for a man to be able to stand by his promises and not default with the present situation of Nigeria that everybody wants to relocate to another country and live a comfortable life.
    My story is really very long and the guy i waited for for 4 years is getting married next month to a girl he met just 8months ago.........and his reason for getting married to her is obviously to regularize his stay. Its a really painful experience. I dont advise you to wait for any man.................

  8. I'm currently in a LDR and I must admit it hasn't been easy. But there's always an upside to LDRs. First you guys need to talk. Thank God you are friends so no topic should be off limits. If you do eventually continue in the relationship with him, patience is a virtue you must adopt. and make sure you really want to be with him cos a few years down the line, you might ask yourself "who send me" lol...


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