HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS? DO A STRIP TEASE TO THIS SONG!!! lol

I

Stop Harrassing me oh!!!!!! lol

OK! Almost everyone is beginning to get on my nerve these days. Since I enter 2010, i cannot hear word again, no. I need to calm down so that you can understand my predicament which im sure so many of my mates are facing. lol. I was chatting with a friend today and I was saying to him 'so how how are your wedding plans coming along?' (since its in 3 months time, its simple courtesy now), the dude replied thus 'going well o, hope you will be after me?' im like,,,,C'mon!!! Na my matta sweet you pass? you never buy asoebi finish, pay bride price, pay for drinks n food finish, you don dey swallow Ibrupofane on my behalf. Na wah oh. It seems  I cant even give people compliments these days oh. Its a fearing tin!

Two weeks ago, my friend gave birth to a bouncing baby (i wont say boy or girl, amebo). Anyways, i saw a picture of the baby on facebook (thats where all my problems start, FB!) and then i was cooing and aaawwwwing and i said hey Mrs, you baby is sooo adorable (i love babies u know, until they start to talk). And the next comment this girl put on d picture was,' thank you my dear, we are waiting for you oh'. Na wah oh...Na me be dis????lol

On mothers day, I wrote a lovely mothers day message that any woman would be proud to receive from  her cousin and you know wetin my aunty reply to thank me with? your guess is as good as mine,lol. She said " Thank you aburo...so when are you joining us?'...Kai! That one resounded in my head gbagaun!

I no longer appear 'online' on facebook anymore, i don enter spirit mode because all these my friends I don't know whose side they are on again sef. Any chat I receive must include a line of, 'so when are you getting married now'....I keep wondering if dem send dem come meet me ooo. I would like to believe that this my case is not peculiar to me, im sure most of my friends are getting harrassed as well. But its not fair now , haba. 

So I cannot give compliment again? I cannot call to ask how u are faring? na wah oh....truly, na me be dis?lol. Oya now. Na pole i go marry? Is there not a time for everything? abi na so i don old reach?what is kuku your business dia, tatafo! Sorry friends, but you make me think these thoughts! LOL. And its funny sef that even single people will be asking me when im getting married, imagine dem ke! I think thats what they call 'reverse psychology', they attack me before i can dream to say anything to dem.Ok, I don learn. I shall retaliate. 

Mehn! Even the bombardment of marital bliss sef don dey too plenty. Everyday if its not a friends wedding picture, its baby picture, or honeymoon picture.You guys pedal softly now. lol. Sotay....these days out of frustration some chics have been changing their relationship status to 'engaged'.lol...just to ward off wagging tongues....At least the good books say we should say positive things with our mouth, so we receive it, by faith! Lol.

It just makes me wonder sha why people keep asking these days. Anyways you people should not worry, menopause will not catch me before i walk down that beautiful aisle oh and oh yes! I will put d devil to shame, cos i go dey pose, i go dey denge denge. Just wait n see. lol. Ive everything planned- from my make up artiste to my first dance...wooohooo! But first things first, education must finish b4 i take that step. And I must get work too. My father did not spend all this money on me to become house wife, so you guys chill out. I have a plan and above all else God has a Master plan.... If e dey pain you say I never marry, instead of asking me, ask God. And if you are not satisfied with His answer, go hug transformer!!! I still love you guys cos I know you mean well tho....lol....mwaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh! xxx.

INSTALLING HUSBAND( saw this on facebook)

Just for a good hearty laugh.....


INSTALLING HUSBAND

A woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5..0, MONEY 3.0 and FOOTBALL 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system..

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5..3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

--------------------------

----------------------------------------------------------
Reply

DEAR Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1..0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5..

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.

Good Luck Madam!

WOK'CHOP: AYA MASE, aka Designer Stew

Hi! Im so excited about this weeks recipe cos its something ive been wanting to try out for a loooong time! Kai....have u heard of aya mase? if u neva chop am , dem no tell you? its the kind of stew that makes me believe in heaven. Small tin remain i go compose love song to this stew..should i tell you the origin of this stew? should i???? ok, now that you are begging me, i will. 


Story story, once upon a time, (time time), there was this lady, all these mama put wey dey for Alade Market Lagos, the woman ehn, all she has to do is cook this stew and open shop for two hours daily! Both the rich, the poor, mechanic, bank manager....all dem dem, used to go n chop this aya mase stew there. 


Do you want to know where it came from originally??? (drum roll please) from IJEBU !!! Dont be scared oh! i know some of you have heard silly stories about Ijebu say dem be winch or dem sabi snatch husband....lol....some of the stories na true. If u allow ur husband mistakenly go and taste this aya mase stew outside ehn.....before he will return to you again.....it will take the grace of Jehovah Jireh! 


So learn this recipee now  that im giving it free or else.... You don hear the yoruba phrase "Olo be lo loko" before? It means it is the good cook that has the husband....so if you want to dazzle ur husband, boyfriend...and whoever sha...just try this recipe....r u ready? lets go there!

AYA MASE

Ingredients

Green Pepper

Red pepper (ata rodo)

Tomato

Onion

Beef

Chicken

Shaki

Pomo

Palm oil

Maggi

Salt

Directions

• Cut beef, chicken and all the assorted into a pot and season with thyme, salt, maggi, ginger,onion....dont put curry oh!
• When its done, put it in the oven and grill (abi whats the word? just put it in the oven sha)
• Blend your your green pepper, red pepper, onion ,, then add 2 or 3 seeds of tomato...the green pepper should be more because the stew is meant to be green.
• Heat up palm oil, add onion and heat it till the onion gets burnt, and the palm oil changes to brown colour...( dont try this if u get fire alarm oh)
• Take the pot of oil off the cooker and allow to cool
• Sieve the burnt onions out of the oil and put the pot of oil back on the cooker
• Add onion, and blended mixture, season it with magii n salt
• Allow to fry, when almost done, add the assorted meat n stuff that was in the oven and keep frying
• Add stock of boiled assorted and keep frying..
• When done, take off the cooker and allow it to simmer.

Serve with rice and dodo , if you find ofada rice good for you...but it still taste good with any kind of rice except that basmati rice oh. Ehen.

DISCLAIMER

This stew is intended for pleasure only, it does not guarantee that your waka jugbe husband will come back home after he tastes this as I cannot give a warranty that your aya mase will taste exactly like that mama put own, or mine. :) Cook at your own risk! (lol...kiddin)

Hope you enjoy your meal as much as i enjoyed mine....End of discussion.

What happened to your FACEBOOK manners!?

Hi there!

I was recently appalled (kai! grammer) at what i saw on facebook. Some people just dont use their number 6 anymore... how can someone's status be "i just lost my grand-mum n sister" and then one mumu will "like" it???? it just makes me wonder ...i dont blame the people totally; i blame facebook, they should have had an "unlike" tab, and then "sorry" tab and then "indifferent" tab...feel free to make suggestions. The only reason someone will "like" something like that is cos they dont have any facebook manners or should i say etiquette!

I remember my mother taught me valuable lessons in life, my father as well, and some friends chipped in here and there; without it where I for dey??? e.g Dont pinch yamayama in your nose in public, when coughing cover your mouth, dont stare at someone, dont point at someone, dont drag your feet on the ground, dont beg...etc. Didnt anyone tell you these??

Well the same way i was taught life manners, id like to teach others (4 my mind!)...anyways...have u ever commented on a friends status or commented on their picture and then Bam! you get 3 friend requests from the people who commented after you on that status??? thats wrong....! the fact that we commented on the same status does not make us friends-it only means we have a mutual friend together! i think its bad manners- its as bad as walking up to a random person on the street and saying "lets be friends"..honestly guys! how do you think the person will react?? they'll think you are loco! dem go call olokpa on ya ass! Dont friend my friend if you dont know them, dont friend so many people just because you want your friendlist to be long, its not a competition-dem no dey carry 1st. Dont send people friend request more than once, and then after the second time they dont accept, you send them a mail saying that they should accept your invite and try to make small talk. They dont wanna friend you.Simples!

Please please people, know the difference between the WALL and INBOX! Some folks just dont know the things that should be written on the wall and those that should be inboxed. Have you ever had someone write something private on your wall? its got me thinking " are you stupid? or trying to be foolish???" arrrghhhh.....e.g my friend 'X' writes on my wall : "yemmie, i saw that bra you wanted at La Senza!" C'mon!!!!!!! before you post anything, anywhere ask yourself this question (a) does it belong on the wall? (b) is it a private message? (c) does it belong in my thots cos honestly there r something you shouldnt say. My momma taught me that. Again, know who to poke, super poke, send ihearts, and crazy stuff like that. Its just weird when someone out of the blues pokes me! its rude...bordering on obscene.

Back to status updates. There is such a thing as too much information. You went to a party last night, got drunk and made out with a random guy- we dont want to know. Just summerise it as saying you had fun, dont give us details please. Some status updates are just evidence of joblessness e.g " im at the shop trying to pick out a shoe", who cares???? seriously???if u see something unusual at the shoe shop, then, we might be interested in ur info, just dont tell us what you are doing every second of the day.

Dont air your grieviances on your updates, if your boyfriend cheated on you, dont call him a stupid-senseless-good-for-nuttin-murraposka on your status (lol...and these days we can tag people on our status update...poor dude). Keep private information private. We understand that you are hurting, call your buddies, skype them....dont put it all out and ask us to help you analyse your idiot boyfriend cos we will. You can however join a group like " i caught my boyfriend cheating on me, he is such a dog"....hilarious but true.

Dont insult your boss, friend, siblings on facebook. If dem catch you! you will not be able to explain your stupidity. Dont type something you cant say in real life, facebook is not an invincibility cloak (read Harry Potter). Know when to stop an argument on a status. I once commented on a friends status and the next thing i know someone replied to my comment, i replied back to explain the position i was taking and you will not believe the olodo sent me a loooooooooong mail to ask me what kind of person i was! oh gosh!

Dont put up all your information on facebook, someone might start stalking you oh, like play, like play. You put your house address, street number, country, home phone number, mobile phone number,grandma's house number...etc...if you do have to put all this up, make sure u have only 50 friends, all of who you know very very very well.

If you are on facebook please put up real pictures of yourself. It suck when we are trying to find " miss x" and then 10 " miss x" pop up with profile pictures of gardens, or beyonce, or ini edo....lol...how do we know you are the one??? its called FACE book for a reason. If you dont want to put up a picture of you stick with yahoomail...or msn...on the other side of the coin dont post every single picture on facebook, you in the shower 30 mins ago, now you applying makeup, you again in 10 minutes, combing your hair....just put up pretty, meaningful pictures of yourself please.

There are so so so many things which I cant write about cos im tired of typing, still got essays to do, just wanted to say facebook is a place for socializing and can be a great tool, just remember to use common sense and follow the golden rule: treat others as you would want to be treated. If you do it right you will avoid being deleted or blocked from people's account.(I do that all the time)

MISS/MR/MRS ANNONYMOUS (1984- BLAH)? remembering Bimbo Odukoya,Dagrin amongst others

Today I read in the papers about the death of a mother, sister, aunt, friend…but what I was more interested in was her position as a wife(some say I’m obsessed with love, marriage and relationships). I get inspiration from published articles or stories of women who have made their mark in their homes. It’s not easy to see that a late wife is described as her husband’s best friend…or that she was his backbone…most women forget to fulfill that function; The function of a best friend and back bone; the role of the neck. In our busy entangled lives, we often forget.

It is unfortunate that some of these women pass on early leaving their husbands and family to grieve their loss, however, it is a thing of great joy to have lived a very rich and rewarding life, albeit short. It doesn’t matter how long you live, what is more important is what you will be remembered for…what memories have you been creating? What impact have you made in your 26, 35 or 50 years of living? You don’t have to have done anything globally awesome like discovering the cure for AIDS….all you need to do is start with being locally awesome…and then take it from there.lol. Funny, but true.

I have thought about what will be said if I was to pass on, not a cheering thought but it was motivational. I was inspired to do more with myself, to live each day like it was the last and be all that I can be today. This gift called “LIFE” may not be freely given tomorrow, what then would you do? Would you have regrets? Would you be singing your Coulda, woulda, shoulda’s? Or would you be content? Personally, I’d like to be remembered to have lived, loved and served!

Do you want to be MISS/MR/MRS ANNONYMOUS (1984- BLAH)? What would you love to see on the tombstone? I don’t want to get too morbid. I’m not trying to mess up your imagination or mind; I’m trying to send a message not make a mess. The message is this: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE AND HOW ARE YOU MAKING AN IMPACT?

The value of 'US' women!!!

JUjU

EFO-RIRO...RECIPE FOR THE WEEK!!!

Yeah, I recently discovered that i ENJOY cooking. I dont like washing up later oh. Kai, I remember how that can cause kwanta in my house...I no like to dey wash plate at allllllllllll. But anyways im learning, if I have to make that someone a lucky man, ive got to be hardworking. We all know that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach( there are other shortcuts my dear, but today is not the day to elaborate on those shotcuts...lol)

Anyways,Ive been trying my hands on new dishes so Ive made a pact with myself to learn and share the recipee for making a new dish each week (so help me God!). If you have suggestions on making a meal more interesting, please feel very free to place your suggestion as I am looking forward hearing your views. For this week its going to be EFO RIRO, which is a delicacy from the western part of Nigeria. Looks yummy right? tastes better too (wink).

This hallmarks of this meal is that it is filled with assortments of fish, meat, seafood,and vegetables that make your taste buds very very happy!.

Ingredients

• Assorted parts of meat (kidney, liver, saki, pomo, cowleg, bokoto (ati be be lo)
• Stock fish that has been pre soaked....so that it wont taste like ehn...sawdust!
• Smoked fish (i particularly love dem for soakin garri)
• Bush meat (if you can find some sha, ive been tempted to use my neighbours rabbit :)
• Crab (i looooooove crabs....too bad they are so expensive)
• Snails (please wash 'em properly, there is nothing more irritating than slippery snail)
• Grounded crayfish (either in big chunks or smoothly blended)
• Fresh pepper
• Fresh tomatoes
• Tomato puree
• Spinach, soko, ugu vegetables
• Onions
• Palm oil
• iru (nasty smelling stuff, but wonderful in soups)
• Salt
• Maggi

Directions

• Place the washed assorted meat in a pot of water or the stock you have
• Season with salt, add ground pepper and boil fro 30 minutes until tender
• Add smoked fish, Stock fish, crab, snail and cook for another 10 minutes
• Remove from heat and place in a clean bowl
• Wipe the pot out and pour in the palm oil
• Heat up the oil
• Blend the tomatoes, pepper and onions, add to hot oil and stir for 10 minutes
• Add tomato puree and cook fro 5 minutes until well blended
• Add cooked meats, crayfish, and some more stock or water
• Simmer for 10 minutes
• Add vegetables and cook for 3 minutes
• Use caution in applying seasoning, I usually do mine at the end cos usually my stock is seasoned...dont want to over 'maggify' the soup.
• Serve with pounded yam, eba, rice, unripe plantain, semovita, fufu.
  

Enjoy your meal...xxx!

Thank u my God!!!!!

Easter is a special time to give thanks to God and it is my opinion that it should be more celebrated than Chrsitmas because the purpose of Christ being born was for Him to be crucified for our salvation. Thus, the essense of Christmas is Easter. Im grateful to God for everything He has done in my life and I hope you are too. You should be. You are ALIVE. lol. I hope you enjoy this video from Kefee....thats the way we do it in the 9ja Delta!

WHAT DO YOU NOTICE (FIRST) ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX?

Can you imagineeee oooo.... just a little status on my friends page was the cause of an interesting debate. The question was this : WHAT DO YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX? and even the same sef. We may proceed.

I commented that i notice the physical first. This includes the person's height, cos the person can be short or tall, fair or dark, white or black , lepa or orobo, you know, things like that.

FURTHERMORE( Capitals for emphasis), i notice the guys outfit, the shoe, the SHAPE OF HEAD (my momma told me that boys with big head will make you have babies with big heads that will tear your vjayjay during labour), i notice the hands, i particularly dont like guys who (train their nails), i.e..keeping it long, especially the pinky one. It just doesnt 'werk' for me. I like it neat and short, and big hands, not tiny ones like mine...big hands make a man seem erm, well, capable innit?lol .Same goes for his physique, some guys just leaaaaaannnnn, some just be like arnold schwarzennn(cant spell it jor). For those that are very muscular it shows that they are either health conscious or very vain! (cos guys with muscles do like to show off, i lie?)

Okay, when Im noticing the hands shebi i will notice what the hand is holding, E.G. phones, car keys (u know). The type of phone matters oh, and I will not lie, if the guy is holding a BB, it shows that he is trendy, nothing more. If its an Iphone, then he is fashionable (im 'i'ddicted)...if he is holding nokia 3310-hmmmm...i reserve my comments! If he get car key, i go notice am as well, if na handkerchief (clean or dirty), i will notice it. Sunshades nko? designers or aba made(respect!), i will notice it. I will notice from crown to sole.

It was when i got to the material part(BB, car keys) that others begged to differ. Some insist that its a shallow way to assess someone, and not fair cos guys with long nails n mohawks may have a sweet personality. I agree that they may have sweet personalities but personally i dont like mohawk and i wont be attracted to a guy with one,chikena! He can keep his personality in his pocket.

This does not mean im vain oh, when i say i notice material things...i am of the opinion that how you look on the outside is a reflection of what you are on the inside and that is why so many people put so much effort into their appearances, and for those that dont care about their appearance and cant be bothered about theirs, it merely reflects that they may be 'careless or carefree' in character.

If i notice a guy has car keys in his hands, it just shows that perhaps he can drive (lol...or he borrow him uncle, cousin, broda car)...maybe he cant even driveand he is just holding the key for the friend that has a nokia 3310(lol). When he starts playing with the key in my face which is a phenomenon known as "notice-me-or-i-die"...it simply reflects that he is either a showoff or very proud. As for the dude with mohawk, it just might mean that he either has good sense of self esteem or way toooooooo much! it can go both ways. If a dude is always sagging his jeans to show all and sundry his boxers, to me it means the guy still never mature. No boyfriend of mine will sag his jeans!!!! Point noted.

If i notice that a guy is 'too clean', it probaly means the dude takes his time in front of the mirror, maybe applying small powder here n there. This type of dude might be self centered (i heard my aunt whispering one that fine men are stingyyyyyyyy). Just my opinion sha. All this my analysis for what? just to show that one's appearance matters. And it is not because people are vain that they notice what others have on. Its just that what you show on the outside will help people make up their mind on who you are on the inside.

Some people are of the opinion that the outside doesn't matter, thats its the personality inside that counts. I DO NOT share that view with them. If i threw this personality question to men, they would scream that YES , OUTWARD APPEARANCES MATTER!!! Which man for this life wan marry 'ashewo' with a wonderful personality??!! (didnt think so).

Your appearance matters regardless of your sex (male or female),

People will assess you based on how you look (fair or not),

And they will address you based on how you look.  More often than not. People may not be patient enuf to know your personality.

But, that does not mean IN ALL CASES that people are what they wear oh, they might have a wonderful personality underneath the surface. (who knows)

Or what do you think?

Easter Bunny or???

Happy Easter guys....Im just alone(actually on skype with boyfie) and I could only see how alone I was. I shop alone, cook alone, and eat alone (the only part i like)...and when I do I never feel satisfied. Being a spinster doesnt really rock sometimes, at other times it does :)

I miss home, and to while away time I decided to make a beautiful tray of grilled chicken...(ooops!, am i supposed to eat meat on good friday? dunno anymore and oh well, mummy isnt here) and yeah yeah, i know i have essays to write and all but I did want to wish someone Happy Easter. Jesus died on the cross just for us, so please make it worthwhile and let His deeds be justified. Isnt He the sweetest????

Ehen, gist oh! Isnt it amazing how every holiday now has a symbol ke? Christmas was for Santa, now Easter is for the 'easter bunny' and time for collecting 'easter eggs'... i have no idea what those are and what they represent, i just see those eggs in the malls- and it make me wonder if some one somewhere is trying to promote an agenda? a way to make people forget what these holidays are REALLY about?...hmmm....beats me...all i know is i no dey buy 'easter egg'....so many things to use my money for like....

HOW TO SPOT BUSH PEOPLE

You will hear them playing music from their kpako phone for all to hear. Who told them we want to listen to the screeching noise from that China phone gaan???

When they are in public and their phones ring, they just keep shouting information into the mouth piece. Please keep your voices low. It’s irritating when people scream about their business. Plain BUSH!

When they are in a place that should be quiet e.g Church or class room, they will intentionally forget to put their ever kpaako phones on the silent mode. Obviously, they want us to realize that they have one toy phone that can play “yori yori”.Arrrrrant bushness!

Somebody tell me why someone would plug in earphones into the church, I mean earplugs for phones. Haba, how do you intend to hear what the Preacher said? If I guess right he is obviously preaching that pride goes before a fall. For heaven’s sake, we do not need to know if your phone has earphones or if you can afford Bluetooth. Its very RAZZ and BUSH!

What’s this new bush way of wearing sunglasses when its not sunny??? Or wearing them inside a house? in church? Like I read somewhere, it only makes sense if you are either blind, a celebrity (e.g Tyson Beckford) or just simply retarded! They are called SUNshades for a reason!

Because u saw P.Diddy Blinging and you want to wear “abeg-I-must-bling-chain-f

rom-Onitsha-market” If you cant afford the real one, just take d load off ya neck and stick to carved wooden chains and bracelets from Iya Shina in Osun.


Ok. Look, if you are a guy and your hair is woven, stop it. Unless you are gay, you have a really handsome face, or your braids are tight. Don’t try to be Shemar Moore; you will only end up looking like an agbero version of African China! Same goes for dreads….If you want one, don’t DIY. It’s meant to be D-R-E-A-D-S not D-A-D-A! Raskimono’s look is so outdated!


We are in Nigeria, Africa! Why do some people not realize this when they wear “winter” clothing?? You wear jean jacket over a shirt in this hot weather! C’mon! Don’t wear layers of clothes. It doesn’t make you look like u just came from “Jand”, makes you look very very BUSH!


Women, why cant u ever figure out the right shade of foundation/powder for your face??? Believe me, going a shade lighter wont make u look fresh like “half caste”. You end up looking like “willie willie”,Coat of many colours. Its just wrong. Find your colour. Your friends/mother/sisters colour is not your colour.


Again, women! If you are going to wear spaghetti tops or anything that will expose your arms. Please, Please Please, shave your arm pits. Its unsexy and very rude! Imagine Stretching and everyone can see your “afro kinky” from your pits….eeew! Tres Bush!


If you are wearing perfume and I can perceive it a mile off, please go and bathe, and scrub your body well with morning fresh! You hear me??? Don’t come and choke innocent people with that rat killer spray that u swam in!


For those who have managed to cross border just once in their life. I take God beg you, stop bragging! Funny enough the trip was when you were so little that you could hardly spell! Every conversation must not center around that your annoying trip. Who cares????! You just make people roll up their eyes anytime they hear you go “ when I was in….., “B-U-S-H!


For those with confused accents, fluctuating between Ibo, Pidgin , Brtish n American accent, just be real. There is nothing like "shat up" or "surrrsepense"...dont call it beef ooo.Its just BUSH


IF you finish reading this and you find a fault with anything here….your are INDEED uniquely BUSH!
LMAO

Acts of children gone wrong and a trip down memory lane

I woke up this morning, the sun was shinning, birds were singing…and then she showed up.I was about to start my devotion when she barged into my room like a little tornado, ruining everything with every step she took. One look at her and I knew I was in for another day with oby the mischievious. She went straight for my make up kit and before I could gather my wits she had already taken out the eye shadow and began to rub viciously around her eyes. I do not mess with my make up! As soon as I yelled “drop that! She looked at me and laughed! That annoying laughter that tells you “ha ha ha, im not going to stop, do ur worst” I said ehen? Ok now. Immediately, in one jump I seized my prized objects from her grasp and placed it gently on the bed. And in a stern voice I said “get out! This is Sparta!!! Lol. Not really.

“Oby the mischievious” ran out of my room. I was shocked that she was so obedient. Oby is a strong headed child with the stubbornness of an old goat. “So she can obey instructions”….i mused to myself. I was about to celebrate when I heard the generator give a loud belch. W-h-a-t! I raced towards the Gen house to see what was wrong just in time for me to see Oby the mischievious scurring away like a sly fox. Apparently, the little cheek in annoyance had turned on the iron n some other electric appliances that were not compatible with then small I-better-pass-my-neighbor-

generator.”Oh no! She didn’t!” you say? Words cannot express what I wanted to do to her. But I will sum it up in words like; “cane”, “koboko”,”bulala”pick pin, “hot-dirrrty-super-slap”(not d regular),”konk”( there is a difference between knock on the head and konk!)….etcetera, etcetera.


However I was calm and shook her till her little head almost fell off, then I frisked her by the arm,and dropped her like a hot plate outside my house and slammed my door. Good riddance to bad rubbish! So because I told her to drop my make up she is angry, abi? Small rat…this is not the first time I will tell her to leave my make up alone, to stop jumping on my bed, to stop making noise, to stop changing the channel from AFMAG to Cartoon Network when im still seated there engrossed in Dakore, Ini edo n the likes(who taught her how to operate remote that one sef?).Chie! I suffer. Oby is so stubborn and spoilt. And her mum has such a soft spot for her that you dare not punish her.Is she helping?No


Let me list the traits of a spoilt child to you;
1. She would say shut up to her mom everytime…(ha she dare not try it with her father, d man no dey take nonsense)
2. She would refuse to eat anything but indomie in her house but come to mine and swallow big eba..
3. In public when you bend down and say “Oby, behave” she would slap you!
4. She would dictate the TV channel in the house and hog the DSTV remote all day long.
5. She would annoyingly want to wear pampers when she should be wearing her panties.
6. She would beg a neighbor’s kid for their 5naira biscuit when she is holding big pack of hobnobs n jumbo coke.
7. When you carry her baby brother instead of her, she would try to push him off the pram or stick her finger in his eyes.
8. She would point at everything and want her parents to buy them
9. Etc….Etc….


In fact I can go on and on about the trait of “Oby the mischievious”. All these acts of “children gone wrong” could not happen in my parents’ household. Who born you??? Ha! When I was just like Oby, I dare not go to a birthday party and eat without my mom’s say-so. If she smiles at you, it means you have been approved to eat the food. Then she had one other look that when you saw, you dare not touch the plate of mouth watering jollof n chicken. I’m sure many mom’s had “the look “…kai! Try and trespass after you’ve seen that look and you go know who born you when you reach house. That is if she is in a good mood. If she really dey vex for you, na right there the thing go happen. My mama no dey shame to flog you outside oooh! She will flog you in front of your friends that you be too ashamed to go to school for the next one week! Infact, if what you did is so much of a sin ehn, her friend will punish you too when she hears. That’s called “collabo” beating


When we go out to visit and you do not kneel on your two tiny knees to greet…she go pinch you till your skin peel! Or twist your ear ehnnnn! If she doesn’t patience, she will knock your head straight down! I got so many knocks, perhaps that’s why im not so tall.Lol. Papa no miss out.He was the chief flogger! Imagine, my daddy will say “Oluwayemisi Oyeyemi Aderonke Adetola, give me the remote” and I will say “shut up”! Chei!I don die be that. Oh! My father will lie you down and flog you till all your yansh peel. I remember one day in primary school (I was a climber, climb trees, climb the house gate, climb tables, climb anything), I climbed one Indian almond tree (ebelebo tree)…as I was plucking the fruits, they fell to the ground and one annoying boy was picking them all and eating it. Monkey dey work baboon dey chop abi?? I flew down from d tree but unfortunately my uniform got stuck on one of the branches. You can imagine what happened next. What happened in 1978 happened to me. The branch broke and I crashed face first onto the hard cement ground. And I broke my nose. Oh the pain! Oh the bleeding! My father arrived just in time to see me falling from the high tree, he thought I had passed out, but when I staggered to my feet and he knew I was alive.( I wished I was dead) He took the branch and flogged me even with my nose bleeding! That is the extent to which you shouldn’t misbehave.


It was as if as I child I couldn’t do anything right; I always got the most beats and punishments, well of course being the oldest sibling in the house. But seriously, where do I start!!!
From the shoe, to the belt, to the wooden spoon (“omorogun” or “otoneba” used for making amala), anything in sight was good enough as long as the force was behind it! Then as I got older the slaps came... my parents were the best backhanders ever. You don chop backhand slap before? You never see it coming.


List of punnishments I did (use them and you will be helping your kids).They will be classified into three:
A- Quickee punishments(thats quickie punishment when u do a fly by crime its like a reflex even before ur done thinkin of the stupidty of your actions
B- Regular Punnishment
C- Super Duper Punnishment


A-Quickee punnishments
1. ”Abara”- ah! It’s a very hot slap on your back!Immediatley u get it, u go piss for body
2. “Pinch”…tha one is used mostly in the public,my mother will pinch ur stomach ehn, till all the flesh
came out.
3.” Konk”... knock on the head that helps you refocus
4. “Omorogun”-....the wooden spoon used to make eba or amala…


B- Regular Punnishments
1.”Pick pin”- Chei….balancing on one leg, it was so painful
2.”The Bata” ….shoe preferable with a nice heel ...
3. The Sapatu ..flip flop ....if it was new it would leave you with an interesting pattern
4. “Froggy”….You hop like a frog with your hands holding your ears till you pass out.


C- Super Duper punnishments
1. “The Belt” no xplanations needed
2. Koboko- Im sure everyone knows this one
3. Multiple- Multiply all the punnishments above and use the same day, on the same child.


Im sure you can come up with more!


For all the skakara i make in this my life, I've come a looong way Oh…I wrote all of this to let you know that it is not a crime to flog or punish a child for misdeeds. I turned out okay, didn’t I? lol.ts only when you start abusing the child...and im sure everyone knows when it turns to child abuse.
And its not everytime you hand out all these punishments ooo.My parents knew how to "promise" you a good whooping...and you will get it.


I think I should pass this note to Oby’s mom. She will need it.