WHO RAZZ PASS?

Recently I was at a gathering and I heard this confused Nigerian chic referring to some other girl as 'razz' because she speaks Yoruba. I overheard her saying to some people "her Yoruba is so 'konk', i feel its too razz", she said, with her nose in the air. And they all laughed. I turned to her and said, 'I beg your pardon'...and na so we start to argue...cos first of all I don't like it when people make derogatory comments about others.

Ok, I will start by saying that today I am advocating for the pidgin language to be installed in our country and to be globally recognized and accepted as a language. Y'all beware cos when I become president, its ON! and we will have a pidgin dictionary as well(i think we already do tho)! lol. I haff tired of people referring to alot of Nigerian customs as razz...why should eating eba with our hands be considered as razz? why should wearing buba and sokoto be considered as razz? why should kneeling to greet one's elders be labelled razz? See, I nor dey lie, I have heard so many people label all these things as razz, if I dey lie make I naked baf!

The one I will sha not tolerate is labeling pidgin razz. Just because some people don privilege to go school now, they will now be looking down at people that did not get an education and tagging them as bush. So the conductor hussling to make ends meet is now bush abi? I no blame una. And yes, I will take this thing personal cos e dey pain me enter my bone marrow! Shuo! In fact make we clap hand for awisef, how many oyinbo people fit speak our language? yet we speak their own pass them-we are intelligent oh. I am not blaming oyinbo people for imposing their language and culture on us, I dey blame us for thinking that our language no reach. See, to be honest, I was filling an application the other day and I was asked how many languages I speak, I listed them as;Yoruba, Pidgin, and English and do you guys know what was amazing? Pidgin was listed as one of the languages on the website! Pidgin IS A LANGUAGE! One of my chinko classmates told me he took pidgin language course in his university as a part of his programme...and again, I shock! OMG!!! lol

Why our tins no dey sweet us? Hmm...all I can see is a bunch of people who are ashamed of their heritage. Talk true, is it queens English your granmama dey speak abi na proper, broken, konk pidgin or una traditional language? Some of us, awa father's can't spell 'go'. Because community don join sponsor u go school now, we no go hear word again. You now have a razz radar everywhere you go. I will state this: anything that is an established fact where you originally from come is not razz. If you are from Nigeria, i'm sure you are from a tribe, inside that tribe, i'm sure you are from a town, inside that town una get village, and inside that village your ancestors have a custom and if that custom is swallowing big akpu with your bare hands then do not try to be acting smart and referring to them as bush or razz.

 
If you like claim that u don't have village and you are a city gal/boy, that one na for your pocket, cos u originated from somewhere, u didn't fall from the sky with Brazilian hair and British accent. Have you seen oyinbo man eating chicken and chips with fork and knife before?No! And I'm sure 99% of us eat chicken and chips with our hands as well, and we go dey lick the finger sef, but if you see your cousin eating eba with finger you go dey roll your eye. Why we too dey form? I've noticed that if a Nigerian can speak a foreign language e.g French of Spanish, kai! He/She go be hot cake and will be considered very posh...why can't we turn the tables around? Why can't an American man speaking Igbo be considered posh and a privilege? Why we nor dey like our own tin sef? I tire!

I just remember one tory...na so this old babe return from jand and she dey huzzzzle for husband. At the end of her 11 months search, she never still see 'boy' talkless of 'friend'...why? Cos she just dey complain...all the men she met were razz to her just because they acted Nigerian. You want to know the end of her story? what happened in 1985 happened to her. She went back to jand husband-less! To be honest ehn, on some days when I wake up, I thank God that I grew up in Warri, Area! Cos the people are so honest, funny, and real-they hardly look down on anyone. I realise what most people know about warri is the violence and thuggery but isn't that what is referred to as the danger of a single story? If speaking pidgin makes me razz then I will gladly dance alanta while chanting...Im razz, im raaaazz, im raaaaaaaaaaaaaazz!!!

I think I should chase a career in cultural diplomacy cos I have alot to say about on this subject BUT, I will put comma here. Not a full stop because I am going to follow this up till I am president! lol...YES I CAN ooops! YES I FIT!
 
Enjoy the clip below and click here to educate yasef!

IF IT WERE YOU...?

Sigh...Im sure y'all know the tory about the oyinbo blue-eyed-blonde-baby that one 9ja couple produced, how they did it, I have no clue. Once again, we Nigerian's make international headlines with unusual news stories...first it was our pata (underwear) bomber, then our super eaglets at the SA World Cup...now this! We have actually produced a white baby! Bravo Bravo! I'm actually waiting for the end of that story cos we know say e no go end there. Na so oh, that night after reading the news I went to bed and na so I dream kpe...

Fastforward to JULY 2021

I was pregnant with my 5th child oh and hubby and  I were so excited about it- he had succeeded in naming our first 4 kids who were boys and I was so glad to be the one in charge of this one. Infact, I don get the pikin name since wey I dey secondary school, she was to be named 'Pearl' after one fine half-caste babe like this for my primary school dat time, so I believe say If I name my pikin after her, she go fine too. I was just excited about this baby, period. How can my hubby score goal four times and dem be boys? no even penality for me? I announced to everyone that I was having a girl and I begged all the fine girls in my church to be rubbing my belle while I waka far from dose wey wowo bellup them.

The duration of the pregnancy was very beautiful  and hitch free except my nose was bigger and I ate for 3! Finally the delivery day comes. And goes. I begin to wonder whats wrong, but hubby tries to stop my worrying by saying that most special children are born past their due date and that its completely normal. Well, he's a doctor, so I believe him. On the 2nd week past the due date, I was licking mango when suddenly, I felt something wet trickling down my thighs...ah! my blo blo has burst! Sorry,(in posh british accent-my water has brake.lol) I scream excitedly while one of my son's quickly called out "daddy, mummy is weeweeing". Hubby races in and off to the hospital we go.

I won't bore you with gory details of my labour, all I know is that somewhere in between I cursed my hubby, I insulted Eve for bringing this pain upon all women and I tried to push when the nurse shouted 'PUSH'! Suddenly the nurse eye wide as if she don see ojuju...I was wondering  'what again'? na monkey I born abi na so d pikin wowo? Hubby was blinking in stupendous disbelief, while every other person was waiting for an explanation from me. My baby was white! Alu!!! Ewo!!! Even me I looked at the baby as the nurse handed her to me and I asked "sorry, please where is my child"? And the blue-eyed-blond pikin was handed over to me. I could not breathe. This has got to be some badly directed African Magic movie! So this child was mine? why are her eyes blue? why is she blonde...she's cute but ,WTH!!!??? Somebody talk to me!  I turned to look at hubby but he had since left the room.

An hour later my mom enters the ward and whispers in my ears, "my child, just tell me and I wont tell anyone, did u have relations with bomboy?" Bomboy was our albino gateman. "No mum," I screamed. Why she go dey ask me this kain question? bomboy wey get body odour?infact wetin dem take me for sef? She left in a daze annoyed that I would so blantantly lie to her...my father did not come- I heard he disowned me immediately he heard I don born oyinbo. My in-laws came to see for themselves the 'story of shame' as they would like to put it. 

Dr Maurice, a renowned geneticist who did a test on me earlier on ,comes in to visit me with the DNA results for the paternity of my baby...and yes, the baby was my husbands! and he had alot to say about my 'miracle white bombshell' and how genetics had bamboozled the whole world and yada yada yada...Before I knew, reporters don carry the news oh, warri FM, NTA, even CNN sef don hear. I forgave hubby and everyone for thinking I was an adultress. Suddenly, in walks Oprah...OMG! The paparazzi starts taking pictures but the lights from the flashes were bothersome so I kept blinking...

Rewind to JULY 2010

Na so I wake oh! Infact na the sunlight from my window wake me sef, not any nonsense paparazzi and I was wondering to myself, 'true true if na me born that pikin, wetin for happun? If na you, or your wife?' ,

Ps. I dont think the baby is weird or anything evil...I actually feel she is a miracle!  :)

An attitude of gratitude!

Happy Sunday oh! Hope no sme sme today? Today I feel 'LED' to talk about good and godly things, for those looking for posts that will not glorify my heavenly father, please click here. Peace on you. Like I said, I am trying to be very good today; I woke up, said my prayers, played gospel music like most people do on a sunday morning to ginger themselves for sunday service. Today, i have come to show an attitude of gratitude. I should have gone to give this testimony in church but since im too shy nothing spoil, na here I go do my own cos the bible said, where two or three are gathered that the presence of the Lord is there (cant remember where exactly), so you and I equals two. Listen and be blessed!

Praiseeeeeeeee de Lord! Children of God praiiiiiiisssssssssseeeeee master Jesus!! Pra-pra-pra-praaaaaiiiiiiiiiiisssssssssssssseeeeeeeeeee de Lord! (in igbo accent). God is good (reply with 'all the time'). My brethren, last week I dey pack comot my house to this my new place, naim I look my load burst cry. Why? because the load dem plenty. I dey bite teeth, dey complain seriously even the taxi driver go don dey wonder if one nut never lose for my head. But as I was complaining, I felt ungrateful. This load Im complaining about, is it not better things that are inside all the ghana-must-go? abi na stone dey inside? Is it not God that blessed me with it?(although H&M and Debenhams join too.lol)...I remember last year september I had only one (1) box, abi one and a half, but today I have about 8 boxes. Why am I complaining? I quickly apologised to God and said my thanks. God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one to say "thank you?"

Furthermore brethren, even though I was saying my 'thank you's', I was still pondering how I go carry all my gwongoro. I dey use one corner eye dey eye my load dey vex becos I know say where I dey ehn, na every man for himself. Lo and behold, as I reached the main gate of my house, na so some people just show! dem rush come meet me say dem wan help me carry my load. Shuo! Fear grip me becos i dey reason say dem fit carry my load run go, so I give dem the ghana-must-go bags that has all my pots and pans while me I carry the important ones. lol. These people that helped me I dont know them from nowhere, and I didnt ask them to help. They offered to and they carried ALL my load to my doormot, and na there I gree say this God na big God. He send's helpers when we least expect it and when we mostly need it. Na true wey dem talk say "cow wey no get tail, na God dey helep am pursue flies"!

Erm, I know my tory don dey long and if this was church Pastor would have dragged the microphone comot from my mouth, lol, and some people go don dey whisper kpe "so this is the testimoney sef, its not as if she buy car or got engaged". I know ive done that in church before.lol. Well, we forget that if we give thanks for little things, bigger things will come, I'm not bribing God or anything but na so the life just be. "Gratitude is merely the secret hope of further favors." - François Duc de La Rochefoucauld. Next time maybe I go dey testify of how God don dash me hummer wey I go dey use carry my load. So brethren, please help me shout 30 hot hallelujah to the most high! Halle......

*clapping and and singing while dancing away 'come and see oh...come and see...come and see what the Lord has done....*

PS. If you see anyone carrying load anywhere and it looks like they need help, please offer assitance, it could be me! lol

WHO TAKES THE FRONT SEAT?

I have been having some kind of malaria abi na sickness symptoms and I was wondering, 'what could have caused this', apparently the answer is because I havn't blogged in 7 days and I've been moving house and that kain thing is tedious...Its like carrying cement bags and modelling it on a runway! Infact, I have a long post on that. Watchout! lol. As for those rotten minds thinking and insisting it was because I was doing another form of 'weightlifting' during my vacation all I can say to you is this ...IT IS WELL WITH YOUR SOULS! lol

Anyways, I moved into this apartment and met this lovely 9ja chic on my block (she dashed me indomie the first day and Lord knows thats how I met my boyfriend-indomie). So she invites me out and because boredom don bellup me I kuku carry myself go chop osho-free rice. I heard it was going to be a nigerian thingy, and trust me, it was. From Ebenezer Obey's music, to peppersoup, to agbada-wearing-men and loud-waist-shaking-mothers in gele skentele. Trust me, the whole works! If you like call me , 'mo gbo mo ya', na you sabi!lol

The tory was this; my friends boyfriend came to pick us up and when we got to the car we met this chic sitting on the front seat and Y'all know the front seat is for IMPORTANT people. I remember when I was a kid, my sisters and I fit break bottle all for 'who will sit in front of daddy's car'...every child knows the importance of front seat. Na so this girl carry hersef go siddon there. That was a niggress moment just waiting to happen! My friend refused to enter the car and went to the party in another car.

Ok oh! She is a quiet girl niyen. My bodi just dey pepper me and I kept muttering to myself, 'what arrant effontry' like someone that was reciting her prayers. If na me ehn...I for load that girl slap, anytime she see front seat she go pick race.The babe should thank her lucky stars that she didnt try it with me, and that na obodo oyinbo we dey, cos if na warri ehn, i for just block am for one sharp corner n help her rearranggggggge her face...put her eyes for her forehead so that she go dey see road clear!

When we got to the owambe, the bobo was confused, he said he didn't know what to do, that he told the girl his girlfriend was coming but she still demanded (not ignorantly oh) to sit in front by force and that he couldn't tell her to go to the back. I personally feel thats disrespectful of the girl, maybe she was looking for wahala on purpose and I feel the dude should have been more assertive. Abeg oh, where I from come, noborry sits in the front except me...even if i no dey there, the front seat should be left unoccupied...must u sit in front?lol...see space full the back, why must u siddon in my spot?If you want to siddon for front, go and enter molue or hire cab or siddon in your own bobo's car.

I feel it is in the unwritten code of conduct, Article 2, subsection 5, kpe..."nobody seats in the front seat except important meambers which include, mother, father, girlfriend and wife. Any other person should go to the back if these important members are present". Abi no be so? Girls should stop misbehaving jare, and the girl in question knew what she did cos when we were going back home, she went to the back and made some lousy comments about not wanting to offend anybody, so she kuku know what she did. Guys also should be aware of the devices of the devil that come in form of those kind of friends that want to cause fight between you and your madam. I pardoned the dude cos he said this was the first time he's been caught in the situation, so I kia kia gave him the code of conduct. I doubt anyone will be sitting in front except his girlfriend in the future.

Ps. I no get power oh, please nobody should call me for fight oh.lol

Lurf in Tokyo...

OHKAY! In case you're thinking of honeymoon location you should add this grenada  to your list, its one of the Carribbean Islands however bear in mind say dem no get 9ja food and their garri is salted and expensive! Infact eferitin is expensive. But the ocean is free and the sandsand is free so u can pack some as souvenirs for all your extended families and all those people that keep bugging "buy me something oh"...Also carry raid when u dey come cos these mosquito's for here fit kidnap pesin! Well me I sha didnt come here for honeymoon, I came for lurf in tokyo and I had fun. Yes! na man I come see, abi I never old reach? My mate don born ooo. Anyways now I have to get back to real life and its paining me...e dey pain me oh gan gan...Enjoy some of the videos and pictures. Seriously Grenanda tourism should pay me for this work no pay wey I dey do so .

My visit to annandale waterfalls...I was the camera woman so u can't spot me :). The first video is a lovely one of this dude serenading us...he said I look like ashanti...Is that a compliment?I'll take it as one :)

This is a video of talented kids playing kpangolo...i know they call them 'steel pans' but no be drum una dey see there so?

the water is really that blue..lasgidi beach is black

booboo

its real oh...not photoshop...

Yes...I gree say i no dey hear word!

I think this is my fave picture..need to frame it
 

I wont tell u how many situps i had to do so i can wear a bikini...finally!

of course i was scared jumping...shuo! i neva ready to die oo

they love colourful houses...

          i really loooove this picture

                                                     ERM....THE END! *sob sob*

When I grow up?

  

Mehn...when I was a shild (child) things were so much more easier jare now when pesin don dey old many tory don dey get k-leg. I remember anytime any of my papa friends ask me, ‘babygirl what do you want to be when you grow up’ and my answer would be ‘Doctor’ cos my fada don dey sing am follow me since dem born me . Infact  ‘doctor’ was on the list of names dey use to do my naming ceremony. Not too long,  I discovered I was not the only one who wanted to be a doctor: all the shildren for my class wan be doctor, and all d shidren for dat my street too wan become doctor, all my cousins wan be doctor too. Na wah oh. I was now reasoning to myself, if all of us become doctor who go be the bus conductor? Or who go be gateman? I sha know say no be me and my mama don tell me say Godforbiddatkaintin!!! Ori mi ko!

  Na when I reach SS1 I know say to be doctor no be beans...infact to be a science student is not moi-moi. I hated maths, the numbers always confuse me, I could never successfully cram multiplication table-no wonder anytime exam reach I was ALWAYS sick! I hated chemistry, and physics was my enemy but how I go be doctor if i no do all those courses? The only science course wey I like that time na biology and my favourite topic was always reproduction, I dey pass biology like fire...I could tell you everything in the male anatomy.lol...Erm but now i haff forget. I like Econs too but that was because the lecturer was a very nice man (no, I didn’t have a crush on him...rotten mind) and I will never forget his explanation on demand and supply and utility. I loved literature and I loved English...I was pretty good at those.

  Okay, university time don come, time to choose which course pesin go do and we all know kpe in 9ja some of our parents only recognise 3 courses Medicine, Engineering, Law  just like they recognise only 3 major languages Hausa Ibo and Yoruba...hmm...sometimes they can accept Accounting in the same way they are beginning to accept the Niger Delta. Oya I tell my mama say na Air Hostess I wan be, she twist my mouth. “Don't u know is ashawo those people are doing eehn? My child cannot do that oh...all those rich men on the plane will now be toasting you, you can’t even marry sef cos u will always be in the air, and even sef what if the plane go and crash”? That, was her argument, so I say ok oh, mo ti gbo.

  My second idea was to be an actress, my parents yari...”actress ke?is that a professional course ni?u want to go and be like Iya rainbow? (I was thinking in terms of Halle Berry ).Actress don’t have money and most of them are ashawo too, you will have to sleep with director ati be be lo and that career is not a responsible career for responsible people”.  Oya I now said I will like to be a writer, d eye wey my papa give me ehn na d kain eye wey dem dey give pikin wey carry belle come house.  The argument was this “writer? How much will you make? You think I will waste my money for you to go and be a writer? You must be kidding” he said with the authority of Jide Kosoko. I could not be a painter...or a musician...I couldn’t be a model also cos my legs no gree long...e just short like pistle.

  After they lambasted all my choices of a career I was left with just Medicine and Law...so I went in for medicine...e no reach 2^nd year I comot, I say I no go do again. I jump enter mass communication (my father has not yet forgiven me...how will he explain to his friends that the doctor wants to be reading news on tv? )I consoled him with the fact that I’m aiming towards CNN  or I’m going to be like Orprah (Amin oh). Now I’m halfway into my masters in International Diplomacy (beautiful course for a beautiful girl...lol) and I’m back to square one again...what do I want to be when I grow up? Some people are lucky and have it figured out since they were born, I don't want do 'anywhere belle face' kind of career. I need a professional Career Advisor or coach, help! I just want to be successful!!! I guess I should spend more time studying the diagram below...sigh.

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN!!!

YOUR AGE BY SEX MATH

Its actually true,Just try it
 
YOUR AGE BY SEX MATH

Don't tell me your age; you'd probably lie anyway

YOUR AGE BY SEX MATH
This is pretty neat. DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!It takes less than a minute .Work this out as you read .Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have sex(more than once but less than 10). Or perhaps pick a random number if your're celibate like me :)lol

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. Add 5.

4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1760 .If you haven't, add 1759..

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.You should have a three digit numberThe first digit of this was your original number(i.e., how many times you want to have sex each week).

The next two numbers areYOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)

THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2010) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS.